


I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

by Jomarch05



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-19
Updated: 2012-08-19
Packaged: 2017-11-12 11:08:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/490209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jomarch05/pseuds/Jomarch05
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That last week of senior year where the future seems so near and the present seems like it just has to change. Quinntana, Faberry and Britanna.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Still Haven't Found

**I Still Haven't Found**

**  
**

_**I have kissed honey lips**_

_**Felt the healing in her fingertips**_

_**It burned like fire**_

_**This burning desire**_

_**I have spoke with the tongue of angels**_

_**I have held the hand of a devil**_

_**It was warm in the night**_

_**I was cold as a stone**_

_**U2**_

Quinn's gaze follows the brunette as she cuts across from her, hugging her folders to her chest, most likely going to her locker. She sees the hockey team swaggering down the hallway, cups of slushies in their hands and she knows she has to do something to stop this.

The words are on the tip of her tongue even as she takes an involuntary step forward. Only she feels Santana's hand on her arm, stopping her, "You seem to forget that you're not a cheerio any longer. They're not going to listen to you." her words still ringing in her ears as she watches Santana stalk up to those Neanderthals, her hands on her hips as she stands there in the middle of the hallway stopping the team in their tracks.

Her legs are apart and her arms akimbo and Quinn can't help but admire how lean and mean she looks, all sinewy muscle and attitude wrapped up with a 'don't give a fuck stance'. "Boys." Her voice dripping with sarcasm, "Now, I don't have to point out that I run this school." her words razor sharp and confident. Ever since she came back senior year and decided she didn't give a rat's ass about what people thought about her, she had become fearless, staring Sue down and even threatening her when she had tried to stop Brittany from rejoining the squad. The only thing she was still hiding was her sexuality.

After her run in with Sue, even Figgins had backed off and she had free reign over the school. But she didn't revert to her past behavior of hurting other people because she was hurting so much inside. Sure, she still was bitchy and most definitely didn't hold her tongue when Rachel went off on one of her mini rants or Mr. Schue suggested another song by a band that could be old enough to be their grandfathers.

But she wasn't mean and didn't bully, even making Becky co-captain when Sue had given her the captaincy.

"And I think you guys look thirsty." She can see the indecision in their eyes as they look to Rolf for some clue. It gives her just the information she needs as she saunters up to the mullet headed idiot in the front, "Drink." The word not even said in a commanding voice but still, with enough of an edge that he has to comply.

Quinn sees Rachel push herself back against the lockers, the frightened expression on her face morphing to relief as she sees the team all chugging from the cups as Santana looks on, arms now crossed as she taps her foot impatiently.

It's a week before graduation and time is running out in more ways than one for her but Quinn still feels like she's stuck on repeat, life passing her by and all she can do is wait for the sense of regret to settle over her.

"Hey." She sees Santana now standing before her, cutting off her view of Rachel and looking so concerned that she hopes she's not crying again. It's happened before, a few times in Glee practice when she's so caught up with Rachel's performance or too caught in her head about her predicament that a tear escapes.

"Yeah, Umm, thanks." She's not exactly sure what she's thanking Santana for as she lets out a ragged breath only to feel Santana's hand on her forearm, gently pulling her forward. Her feet shuffle beneath her and she avoids Rachel's eyes even as her hand brushes by the brunette skirt as she follows Santana.

She knows Rachel's eyes are following her and wonders if she knows where they are going.

#$#$#$#$

The janitor's closet was never this neat but apparently Santana got the freshmen cheerios to clean it out after they started doing whatever they were doing together. She feels Santana's breath on her cheek even as her hands take off the band holding Santana's hair back such that she's able to hold her locks between her fingers just as Santana's mouth finds hers. They both close their eyes as they kiss, not out of intimacy or romance but mainly because they're both picturing different girls.

_It had started the first week of senior year. Quinn had strutted in decked out in black and topped off with pink hair._

_Santana had taken one look at her before mouthing off, "Does the rug match the curtains." She didn't expect an answer as her eyes trailed Brittany sitting on Artie's lap as he wheeled them off to first period._

_Only Quinn had actually answered back, her voice huskier than she remembered, "Would you like to find out?" bravado lacing her voice even if her eyes showed uncertainty and a bit of fear, before she turned to walk away. Santana was never one to back down from a challenge and Quinn had definitely given her one._

_That day after school, she had waited for Quinn, leaning against the red convertible. Quinn didn't say anything as she unlocked the door and the Latina strapped herself into the passenger seat. In fact they didn't talk even as Santana straddled her when she found a secluded place to park._

_No words even when she was rocked by her first orgasm, only tears as she realized this was as close she could ever get to what she truly wanted. And it didn't surprise her to see that Santana was crying as well, only the latina didn't acknowledge her tears, just blinking them away as she buttoned her top._

_Each subsequent time triggered by an encounter with either Brittany or Rachel, grappling against each other teeth and tongue fighting for dominance and no words exchanged because it would break the spell. All throughout senior year even when Quinn reverted back to her blonde hair and sun dresses and Santana became Queen Bitch of the School._

_Even when, Quinn had been asked out by the new kid in school and she had actually said yes or when Brittany had briefly broke up with Artie again. Always coming together because they just couldn't find what they were looking for._

This time, she's surprised when she hears Quinn speak, "I can't do this anymore." The words whispered across the darkness but clear enough to signal finality. They're graduating soon anyway, all of them going their separate ways or maybe not even going anywhere as in Puck's case.

She feels Quinn's heartbeat beneath her palm and shakes her head, trying to clear the rush of euphoria these sessions bring to her before she pushes herself off the blonde. Santana knows that she can help Quinn in other ways but she wanted to be selfish as well, needing to at least feel something because it hurt too much otherwise.

"Fine." She bites the word out and sees Quinn's head jerk up, hazel eyes meeting her own and even in the darkness, she can see regret and something else, an emotion she does not want to acknowledge. "Suit yourself." She makes for the door only to feel Quinn's arms around her, her cheek on her back.

"You saved me, you know." the words spoken even softer than her initial ones because she's revealing something that has the power to break her. "That first day of school, I just wanted it all to go away." She had spent the summer trying to figure out what she wanted only to realized what she wanted was someone she could never have.

She hated Rachel Berry because she knew she could not have her and to suddenly see everything so clearly was heart rendering. So she stayed in her room, listening to the Ramones and the one time her mother had cajoled her into going shopping for back to school supplies, she had picked up a bottle of hair dye.

Thinking that she would never be able to go back and change her insides but maybe changing her outside would help deflect the obvious fact that she would come back different and most of all, she wanted something so very different from what she was brought up to want.

So the first day of school had been the test, walking through the doors and answering Santana back was only the beginning. Her eyes had scanned the crowd, trying to discern Argyle from plaid and finally spotting her.

Quinn had not planned any speeches, hoping to just let Rachel see her, understand that things had really truly changed and maybe start with friendship of some kind. She pushed aside two juniors just in time to see Finn bend over to capture Rachel's lips, her eyes closing as her hands go around his neck.

While she had spent the summer getting to know herself, Finn had obviously spent the summer getting reacquainted with Rachel. She understands that things are never that simple, one big life changing epiphany did not mean that things would work out. And they didn't as the day just got worse, continuing with the hockey team throwing a slushie at her as she walked down the hall with Kurt and Mercedes . And ending with Rachel announcing her big plans for the year, winning Nationals and getting Finn a place in NYU so they could be together in New York.

She had excused herself then, feigning being sick as she locked herself in the bathroom, gathering her thoughts and wondering what she could do to make everything go away. Nothing concrete forming in her mind but knowing she could not come back tomorrow and face the same thing.

"You saved me." She feels the hot imprint of Quinn's lips on the back of her neck.

"Well, you saved me too." Her voice just the barest whisper. Santana had not expected senior year to be easy. So she had steeled herself, coating herself with confidence and ignoring Brittany's plea to be herself. She wanted to be more even as she knew she needed to hide who she truly was.

And when they fought, the fourth week of summer, she thought nothing of it until she walked through the door that first day of school only to see Brittany, her hands around Artie's neck as he wheeled her love away.

She had been dazed by that and by Quinn's challenge such that she didn't even notice when she rammed in to Sue. Her former coach spewing so much hate but all she could think of was she needed to be stronger. So she had shouted back, pushing Sue back against the lockers as she ranted in Spanish herself.

"Well, S. I didn't think you had it in you. But seeing that my first choice just got inducted into the rock and roll hall of losers, how would you like to rejoin the cheerios?" Sue's offer stopping her mid rant.

"Fuck you." The two words enunciated with such precision as she turns to walk away.

"Captain Lopez." The other two words also uttered with precision such that she turns catching Sue's eyes, hating to see the smile on the woman's face but nodding before going for her first class thinking that things were bound to get better.

But nothing had felt right the whole day. Seeing Quinn and the rest get slushied and then hearing Artie sing to Brittany during Glee. All of it making her want to hit something until she stalked out of school and saw Quinn's car parked at the far corner. Waiting for Quinn felt right, making her come felt better.

"Have you told her where you're going?" She turns around, her arms now cocooning Quinn and she sees the surprised look on her face at the question. They never talk about any of it directly. Like a pact had been made and knowing that if they did talk, all of it would disappear and they would find themselves faced with choices that can't be made.

Only, they've both finally come to the realization that it's over between them not because time has run out but because they were never endgame. So talking about it now was the only thing they could do.

"Have you?" Quinn fires back, her eyes slip shut as she feels Santana's head bend forward and she settles into the hug.

"No." She hears the answer and huffs out her own, "Me neither." The both of them too damn frightened to take the next step or make the next move but still stupid enough to follow their hearts.

"She's going to find out sooner or later." Quinn can feel the smile in Santana's words. Even as she had tried her best to ignore Rachel, everything she had done this year had been influenced by her.

"New York's a big city. We're not even at the same school." It sounds like an excuse even to her own ears and hates when she feels Santana laugh.

"Brittany's going to see you at UT." She had helped Santana write her essay, when the Latina had been on a drunken bender after finding out that Artie had actually cheated on Brittany. In between holding her as she cried and being guilted into joining her for a few shots.

Quinn had then stood by her locker as she waited for Santana to tell Brittany that it was going to be fine and she would take care of it, only realizing that it wasn't when she heard Brittany plead for to Santana to call off the football team from kicking Artie's ass.

Santana catching her eyes and all she could see was pain and frustration and all she could taste that night were her tears as Santana's nails clawed down her back even as her teeth bit down hard enough to leave an imprint but not hard enough to draw blood.

Not that the favor hadn't been returned when they went to Chicago for Nationals two months back. Finn had been offered a full scholarship to OSU and had spent the better part of the past three months convincing Rachel that their music program was just as good as Julliard.

Kurt had been brave enough to pipe in and tell him that it wasn't so and even Mercedes had rolled her eyes the sixth time he had brought it up before expounding on the possibility of a long distance relationship because Rachel could never walk away from Julliard.

But Finn had been persistent and Quinn knew that he had slept with Rachel that night because he had that look about him the next morning; taking long strides into the restaurant as he winked at Rachel before grabbing as much food from the buffet that his hands could carry.

She didn't realize she was crying until Santana had tripped Mr. Shue, sending his tray of food flying into Finn and she felt Santana grab her arm, pulling her towards the exit before she completely broke down.

She didn't think she had that much tears in her but Santana had held her, whispering in Spanish, words she recognized but didn't want to translate, ignoring their ringing phones until an hour before they had to perform.

It had been a surprised they had actually won but Rachel's voice had been pitch perfect although the judges had commented on the passion they had seen from the other members as well especially on the group number where they had paired up, Santana with Brittany and Quinn and Rachel, singing their hearts out, showing the audience what they could not show to each other.

"So we what…just don't tell them and run into them on the street or on our way to class." Santana's voice now comfortable enough to joke a little, "Like some dumb romantic comedy where there's a pop song in the background and we meet cute." And damn if that's exactly what she actually hopes does happen.

Since she found out Artie was going to OSU Lima, she had suddenly developed a sense of hope, something so unlike her that it had taken her two weeks to pinpoint what she was feeling, going as far as to climb through Quinn's bedroom window at three in the morning, just slightly drunk as she tried to explain this feeling she had inside of her.

_She bites the bottom of Quinn's lip, tasting honey but wishing it was licorice instead, only to pull back because Judy had already barged in once, surprised to see her there but agreeable to her staying when Quinn had pleaded and highlighted that Santana could not drive home drunk and all three of them were so tired anyway. She wondered if Judy caught her hand down Quinn's top when she came through the door but Judy was probably more drunk than she was at the time._

_She had told Quinn about the application to UT that was still in her top drawer and the feeling she would get each time she opened it to see it there._

" _You should send it in." Santana's snort in response actually angering her as she shoots up from the bed, pushing the Latina away. "Go to hell'"_

" _Quinn." Santana rarely uses her full name and definitely even more rarely says it with such tenderness but Quinn does not want to hear it from her, they're not together, they're just coping as best they can. So she deflects as she usually does._

" _Send it in. They have a great pre med program and if she can get a cheeleading scholarship, so can you, Captain Lopez." Before she pulls the covers back over her and turns her back to Santana so she won't see her tears._

"What's wrong in believing in romance? " Quinn's voice is wistful as her words ghost over her shoulder and Santana can't help the shiver up her spine.

"Nothing. Not a damn thing." She squeezes tight, feeling Quinn's tears dripping down and adding her own. She cannot let go, at least not yet as she feels Quinn's pulse point beating a rhythm so familiar and she feels slightly warm despite the cold room.

They're not breaking up because they're not really together, not in the way they wanted to be. But it still hurts like it should because they had been there for each other and shared their pain, that bond so difficult to forge except through empathy and hurt.

#$#$#$#

They don't see Rachel hiding around the corner as they exit the room, Quinn wiping her eyes with the back of her hand as Santana adjusts her cheerios skirt. Not saying good bye but sharing one last look before Santana flounces off towards the gym and Quinn sighs as she walks towards her locker.

She sees Brittany talking to Tina and wonders if she can avoid any conversation, her feelings currently so raw that she knows she won't be able to hide them completely. But luck is not on her side as Tina snags her arm as she walks by, "Quinn, have you seen Rachel? She said we need to.." her voice trailing off as she looks into Quinn's face.

"What's wrong?" Quinn shakes her head, eyes wide as she looks frantically for Santana, hoping that she forgot something and would be on her way to her locker, only the only pair of eyes she sees is Rachel's.

"Rach, there you are." Brittany chimes in even as Quinn backs away before turning to run towards the exit.

"Quinn." Rachel calls out half-heartedly. She's very sure that even if she had shouted it at her highest octave level, Quinn wouldn't have stopped anyway. They had had so few interactions over the past year, always just passing each other by. Even at Glee, Quinn would sit in the back, most often next to Santana.

She would see Quinn looking at her, like she wanted to say something and once, she even caught her taking a step in her direction only to be distracted when Finn had held her elbow and when she turned Quinn had left and Santana soon followed.

She's not stupid and knows that there's something going on between the Cheerio Captain and the ex Cheerio Captain. Or at least she was that stupid until Brittany had pointed it out. She had stumbled on Brittany crying in the auditorium months ago.

It had been just before Glee practice but after Brit had found out about Artie cheating on her.

" _He said it meant nothing." She holds Brit's hand as she cries, "But, that's how we started so maybe I meant nothing too."_

" _No." Rachel's denouement is not really convincing, "Boys are stupid." Her second sentence getting a better response as Brittany gives her a watery smile._

" _Yeah, at least when Santana broke my heart, it was because she was scared not because she slept with someone else at least not then. But with Quinn now…"_

_Rachel's eyes go wide as she takes in the whole sentence. Repeating each word in her head, trying to figure out if Brittany's speaking in code but all she can decipher is that Santana and Quinn are sleeping together._

" _Quinn's not gay." It's the only words she can get out because she's flabbergasted._

" _Neither is Santana according to her."Brittany's sad retort back suddenly making everything appear so crystal clear in her head._

" _So they're like together together." Rachel's not sure if she's asking the question right and she's definitely not sure if she wants to hear the answer._

" _No" Brittany shakes her head, "Quinn's just lonely and San's trying to figure it out in her head and when she does…I'll be waiting."_

_Rachel thinks that this is the information she needs to finally get back at Quinn, get her off her back only to realize that Quinn hasn't been tormenting her since end of Junior year. She never bitched when Rachel would insist they practice a song again because Quinn or Lauren was off pitch or even rolled her eyes when Rachel would go into one of her monologues._

_In fact, Quinn had gone out of her way to fade into the background. Only to surface for Glee or when school first started. Her pink hair and punk clothes had turned many a head including,if she were being honest, her own._

_She had wanted to ask Quinn about the change, maybe offer an olive branch for their senior year but Quinn had left abruptly when she had started talking about her plans and though it hurt, it just proved that things were always going to be the same at McKinley which was why she had to go to New York._

Seeing Santana and Quinn come out of the Janitor's closet wasn't a surprise but seeing Santana's look when she walked away made her think that maybe she was finally ready to be with Brittany. And as for Quinn, she does not know why she wants to know more but it's the last week of senior year and Rachel knows that if she really wants answers, she'll have to get them now. She takes a deep breath before marching towards the exit herself.

"Rach?" Where are you going? I thought you said we needed to talk about what we're going to sing at commencement?" Tina calls after her.

"I…I need to speak to Quinn. I'll call you later and Brit, I think you should go and find Santana." She calls back before pushing the exit door open, hoping to see Quinn's car still parked in the carpark.

**End Part 1**


	2. What I'm Looking For

**What I'm Looking For**

**  
**

_**Don't go away**_

_**I'll sing my love for you**_

_**Don't go away**_

_**Oh you know I love this place**_

_**Don't go away**_

_**I won't go without you baby**_

_**Don't go away**_

_**Don't go away**_

_**U2**_

Rachel breathes a sigh of relief as she spots Quinn's car at the far end of the carpark. Her steps towards it start out determined but the closer she gets, the more tentative they become. It's such that she loses steam ten feet from the car and stops there, wringing her hands before her, wondering what the hell she's thinking in wanting to confront Quinn now.

The sun is still bright and she has to squint and when she does, she sees Quinn's head slumped forward on the wheel, her arms in front of her and her shoulder's shaking. Rachel can recognize misery when she sees it, that raw emotion of thinking that everything was never going to work out and maybe she was completely deluding herself.

She's had more than a few bouts with it this year, nothing to do with Finn but everything to do with worrying about her future Broadway career. She knew she was talented and her voice really had no equal in Lima. But then to realize, she wasn't the only one with a dream. That there were thousands of girls just like her all wanting to succeed made her doubt herself.

Being accepted into Julliard had taken some of the pressure off, knowing that she was one of the only 6% that got accepted for the class of 2016. But that just meant that it was only going to get more competitive because there was a possibility that there were much better singers than her who made up the rest of the 6%.

And Finn had not helped, only wanting to talk about his future, his own scholarship and his view of their relationship. She had tried to fit him into her plans by taking the initiative filling out his college applications for NYU, including writing his essay. She only realized the folly of her plan when she found out they didn't have a Varsity Football team.

" _But you could try for Basketball…Their team is Nationally ranked, I checked. Finn, please." There is a slight desperation to her words when she sees his face take on an incredulous look, like she doesn't know him and to be honest, she does not understand why he cannot see what she's offering him._

" _Rach, I've won State and OSU is offering me a full ride for football. I don't think I'll qualify for a basketball scholarship at NYU and there's no way I can afford it otherwise." His voice is patient, like he's trying to make her understand that he has other, better options. "They have a music program too, you know." He sees her face scrunch up and he knows that this is the one divide that they can't cross yet but maybe in time._

" _We still have a few more months and you can come with me when I visit the campus, see what they're offering me and maybe check out the music program as well." He pulls her close, kissing the top of her head even as her tears leak out._

" _I need you there."She tries to blink her tears away when she sees Quinn at her locker across the hall. Her shoulders are tense as her hand grips her locker door and as the blond turns, ducking her head as soon as their eyes meet and walking away. Leaving Rachel in her wake, free to cry as she feels her plans all crumble around her._

_She had thought he was coming around though when she found a stack of printouts in her locker the next day, all indexed and highlighted compiling every single scholarship available that one could get for NYU, Her confusion about his commitment washed away with that act once again._

Rachel had thought that her senior year would be different as long as she stuck to her plan and parts of it had come true. Winning Nationals had given her the boost she needed when she felt her confidence slipping away. She had thought sleeping with Finn would bind them more to each other, but all it did was make her more confused because it became glaringly apparent that she had placed more weight on that decision than he had when he greeted her the next morning not with understanding but a saucy wink.

But still she persevered because he had at least made the effort, finally capitulating to trying a long distance relationship, working out his schedule so he'd be there for her performances and detailing all the dates she could fly back for his games. Only they never really sealed the deal, instead letting their relationship slowly fade away such that she knows he won't call and she won't fly back.

However, Rachel cannot understand why she still feels the fabric of her life unraveling in some parts so all she can focus on right now is to talk to Quinn because Quinn seemed to be as miserable as she was feeling and maybe they could finally find common ground at last. She takes a deep breath before walking up to the car, opening the passenger door and sitting in the seat, all in one move before she has a chance to change her mind.

Her hands in her lap and she waits for Quinn to notice her.

#$#$#$#$

Quinn remembers when she could blame her tears on baby hormones, each time she felt like things were spiraling out of control and crying seemed like the only way she could relieve some of the stress she was feeling. It had felt good to let some of it out even as she suppressed everything else she was experiencing.

She could never explain the confusion she felt back then, of wanting to keep her baby and lying to Finn, all the while craving every act of kindness Rachel would bestow on her. In hindsight, she knew that all her lies would finally catch up with her and the only thing she could do back then was to realize that the biggest lie of them all was easily hidden by all her smaller ones.

The only thing she can blame her current tears on is knowing that she is finally truly alone. She had felt alone even with Santana but at least the both of them had share their loneliness with each other and that helped somewhat.

Quinn hears her car door open and wonders if Santana needs one last push to finally open up to Brittany only she realizes that it's not the Latina because only one person smells like vanilla and honey.

Rachel's beeswax and honey hand cream becoming a ritual she had cultivated because Quinn had called her man hands, the second week of freshman year when she had reached out to hand her the pom poms Quinn had accidentally dropped when Rachel had cut across her path looking for her first class.

And the vanilla scent because it was what she had bought Rachel for the Secret Santa gift exchange for Glee a few months back; or rather what Lauren had bought for Rachel after Quinn had snuck into school the night before to switch Lauren's gift of tube socks.

She actually didn't need to break into school because Santana had the keys to most of the rooms and she had waited patiently for Quinn to replace the gift before stomping on Artie's present for Brittany. It took Santana exactly an hour for her guilt to build up before she dragged Quinn back to school to replace Artie's gift as well.

Mr. Schue had insisted that they all open their gifts in private just in case a few of the gifts turned out to be pranks. But it had all worked out as she had passed by Rachel later that day, her mood suddenly improving when she caught a whiff of vanilla. It had lasted until five that evening when cheerios practice had ended and she caught Santana running laps round the track for no obvious reason.

_She's not as out of shape as one would think despite not being part of the squad this year but Quinn still keeps pace with Santana as she pounds her way round the track. "How long are you going to be out here for?"_

_It was all suppose to be a secret exchange, done to engender more of a team spirit but Mr. Schue had screwed up by putting Mercedes in charge. Her penchant for gossip only outweighed by her need to make a point resulting in Santana finding out who got whom almost immediately after the names were drawn._

_Brittany had got Santana and to her dismay, Artie had got Brittany. Switching wouldn't do any good and even destroying the present felt wrong but what had been worse for Santana was getting something generic from someone she considered the love of her life; A set of lavender spiral notebooks tied with a pink bow._

_Santana had not responded, only pushing herself faster as Quinn kept pace, just enough to tire the both of them out so that they wouldn't think about what they had done the night before but not tired enough to come together to forget that whatever they did, it just wouldn't be enough._

Quinn holds her breath trying not to breathe her in and praying that Rachel's not the one in the car with her but then she feels it, Rachel's arm on her shoulder even as she hears her voice say her name.

"Quinn."

It's tender and soft and it cocoons her, making her feel things she knows she can never act on. And it only intensifies when she finally looks up at Rachel, seeing concern on the brunette's face. And everything she's tried to shield from Rachel suddenly becomes so obvious and apparent as she sees Rachel's eyes widen.

Quinn wants to tell Rachel that she's fine and she can leave her because that's going to happen at the end of the week anyway, but she cannot form the words as she stares at Rachel. The way her brown eyes sparkle in the afternoon light, the way her teeth snags her lower lip, making it even more plump and inviting and lastly, the way her hand feels on her shoulder, like an invitation.

She doesn't even realize she's made up her mind until she feels Rachel's hair tangled in her fingers as she pulls the brunette forward, their lips meeting almost instantaneously. The sensation so new and different that Quinn wonders if she's dreaming all of it and they're still staring at each other across the centre console.

Only she feels the gear shift digging into her thigh even as she hears Rachel moan into the kiss. It's hot and wet and a bit uncoordinated until Quinn tilts her head, her hand settling on Rachel's cheek and then the sensation hits her. It's like she's falling, her stomach plunges and she feels almost weightless, all her senses now attuned to Rachel.

Blood rushing through her ears and she feels a heat building within her, her mouth tasting Rachel, over-riding all her other past experiences, imprinting her forever with the taste of Rachel Berry.

She feels Rachel kissing her back, one hand now gripping onto Quinn's arm as the other pulls on the front of her shirt as if she wants to pull her even closer that they are now. It's what she's always wanted but not the way she would have wanted it to happen. So she pulls back slightly and utters the words, "I love you."

And just like that it breaks the spell as Rachel pushes her back instead of pulling her forward, Rachel's hand going to cover her mouth as she stares at Quinn, her brow furrowed and confusion etched on her face.

Her brown eyes now sparkling with unshed tears as she fumbles to push open the car door, ignoring Quinn even as Quinn finally utters her name.

"Rachel." The tone she uses packed with so much love and emotion at last set free even as she realizes that she's done what all her mean words and actions haven't been able to do before. She's finally run Rachel out of her life.

#$#$#$#$

Santana suddenly feels uncomfortable in her own skin and she's surprised at the trigger. Always expecting it to be due to being outed, her worse nightmare made real as the whole school stares at her, judging her, laughing at her. But to feel this way because she's finally decided to face all of this alone, makes it all the more real and difficult.

She's worked so hard to ensure that it would never happen, even as she's flirted with it by meeting up with Quinn in the Janitor's closet each time she feels like she's losing control and being less of who she truly is. Santana knows she's walking a fine line between finally being honest and wanting to feel something and right now, she's teetering off the ledge.

The gym is empty as she clenches and unclenches her fists, finally letting loose by hitting the far end wall, the pain jarring as it travels up her arm and finally over-rides the off kilter sensation she's been carrying around with her since she left the janitor's closet sharing that one last look with Quinn.

She does not hear her enter the gym or notice she's been standing behind her the whole time until she hears that voice.

"San." It's the way Brittany says her name, like she can divine every single emotion she's feeling and knowing that most of them centre on her. It's an open invitation from Brittany to be herself, to be proud of who she is and who she loves but it's just something she cannot acquiesce to.

So Santana focuses on her hand, how much it hurts, her knuckles red and raw and it feels real, like kissing Quinn in the back of her car as her fingers pushes deep within. Their teeth clashing and knowing that their union is fleeting and what settles over her is the understanding that she's too frightened to accept what she's always known to be true, that a part of her is forever lost.

She sees Brittany's tapered fingers settle over her hand, cool to the touch and she shivers even though they've switched off the air-conditioning hours ago. It doesn't hurt anymore or to be more specific, her hand doesn't hurt as much as her heart does now.

"Why did you do that?" Her voice is soft as she leads Santana to the mats along the wall, pulling her down as she examines Santana's hand. The feel of it so familiar yet the situation as far from comfortable as it can get. But it's Santana and all Brittany knows is that she loves the girl even if the girl refuses to acknowledge her love.

"Why do you care?" She wants to snatch her hand back but settles for her belligerent words, spat out like they leave a bitter taste in her mouth. Her hurt now more directed at the ones she loves and not a scattershot approach like before. She wants to see Brittany flinch at her words and tone but is surprised when the blond just stares at her, placid and calm.

The look in her eyes so full of love and god help her, understanding. Like she knows how hard everything has been, how painful it was to wake up each day knowing she could never take that next step and all she could settle for was those short interludes with Quinn, never thinking of replacing Brittany but just trying to survive the day. Then she feels it, as Brittany leans forward, her hand brushing that lock of hair that she hasn't managed to capture in her ponytail, even as Brittany's other hand finds purchase on her shoulder, pulling her forward.

She feels it then, something within her shattering, shards of all that she's been holding back breaking free, piecing this armor she has around herself such that she feels exposed and scared. Only, Brittany's kissing her, pulling her down such that their bodies are touching end to end on the mat.

It finally feels so good, so right and such a long time coming, that she doesn't care that she's out in the open and not behind closed doors. Santana doesn't care if someone walks in on them because it finally does not matter anymore. All that matter is that Brittany's kissing her and she finally feels complete.

That part of her that she thought she had lost forever was just hiding, buried so deep within and all she needed to unearth it was this kiss. She feels Brittany pull back and can't stop the moan from escaping, her need over riding all her other senses as she blinks her eyes open in time to hear the words, so softly whispered but marking her completely.

"I love you."

She's heard those words from those lips before and had believed them even if she didn't believe in herself. Right now, she knows she has a choice to make and wonders if she's finally brave enough to make it.

"I.." The rest of the words stuck in her throat even as she sees Brittany's eyes widen and her breath catches. She feels time shift and what felt like mere micro seconds during the kiss now feels like minutes as she holds on to Brittany but still cannot say the words.

"Please…I" The words expelled out as she breathes and she's not really sure what she's pleading for, maybe courage or possibly to just finally do the one thing that she knows feels right even if it meant losing everything that she worked for.

It's Brittany's smile that does it, the one that starts out as the tip of her tongue moistens her lips and she bits down on her bottom lip before the smile fully takes over. Like she's anxious and happy but mostly it's just encouraging because it tells her that Brittany's scared to. Maybe not of the same things she's scared of but she's still brave enough to open her heart and all she wants form Santana are two more words.

"..love you." She wants to say more, nothing holding her back any longer but she feels Brittany's lips once again and all she can think of is she's finally free.

#$#$#$#$

Their hands are linked as they walk down the hallway, and more than a few students are about but Santana does not care as she forgoes glaring at them in lieu of looking at her girl. She knows that they can tell something is different when she begins to hear the whispers, catching on like wild fire as phones go off and Jacob scurries away, his thumbs furiously working his blackberry.

Things will change and she has a feeling that her last week of school will be like her first in the sense that it went in a completely different direction from what she had pictured in her head. Santana had expected to finish the year on top before giving every one the finger at graduation, hoping to start afresh at UT.

Instead, she's stepped out of her comfort zone early, letting everyone know that she doesn't care what they think and she's tested now as she sees Rolf walk towards her, a cherry slushy in his hands and a determined look on his face.

He stops two feet from her, "You look like you're in heat and are in need of a little cooling off." His smile smarmy even as his eyes drift to Brittany before his mouth twist in disgust, "Lezzies don't rule the school."

Santana does not blink as her palm flies out, heel first catching him in the chin even as she pulls him forward by his jersey, twisting her body as he drops the cup before finally kneeing him in the groin. She let's go as he thumps to the ground groaning.

"Who says?" She bends down but enunciates each word slowly and loudly such that everyone hears. "Because this lesbian still does." She shakes her hand, knowing that she may have trouble holding a pen for the next month but feeling Brittany gently take her hand in hers, makes all the pain go away as they step over Rolf and continue down the hallway.

She hears the music coming from the auditorium and recognizes Berry's voice, the song so plaintive and raw that she's surprised at all the emotion she hears. The midget always sang with her heart on her sleeve but this was a whole different level. She recognizes the song almost immediately, having played it constantly this past year and she knows Quinn has as well, the words from 'Melt My Heart to Stone' so familiar.

She feels the hair on her hand rise as Rachel's voice reaches the chorus and she looks around hoping to spot Quinn.

"Who are you looking for?" She hears Brittany's curious voice as she peers into the auditorium, trying to glimpse if Quinn is sitting in the last row towards the far right, the only position visible from the door but nor from the stage because of the pillar in the back.

It was Quinn's favorite seat because she could listen to Rachel go through her practice without the brunette ever knowing she was there but she can't see Quinn hunched up and quietly listening to Rachel. "Quinn." She sees Brittany give her that one look, a mixture of jealousy and acceptance and it hits her how they fit together, no words needed just touches and looks that convey so much.

"She's…"

"Hurting…I know." Brittany's tone understanding and Santana reaches out, her thumb tracing the line of Brittany's mouth, so perfect and always saying just the right words.

"It's over between us, for what it's worth. We…it was over this morning." Santana wants her to know that she won't cheat on anyone because she knows just how bad Brittany had felt when Artie cheated on her.

"I know that too, Rachel kind of gave me a heads up." She sees San's eyes widen at her words. "Quinn ran out and Rachel ran after her, only maybe she didn't catch her." Brittany trails off as she feels Santana kiss her, stopping her words.

"Or maybe she did." She pulls Brittany's hand as she kicks open the auditorium doors and walks down the aisle surprising Rachel such that she stops when she sees Santana walking purposely towards her.

She crosses her arms in an attempt to look nonchalant even as she feels like she's even more adrift now after her encounter with Quinn, and it's always at that point that her mind shuts down almost immediately even as her hand involuntarily goes to her lips, the ghost of that memory still haunting her.

"You went after Quinn, didn't you?" She tries to keep the frustration out of her voice but it still flows through when she sees Rachel take a step backwards before she straightens her back and juts out her chin.

"That's none of your business, Santana. Now if you would kindly vacate the auditorium, I have to practice for."

Santana cuts her off, her voice not raised but powerful enough to stop Rachel's mini rant, "She got into NYU. Did she tell you that? Or did she tell you that she was the one who bought you that ridiculously expensive bottle of vanilla scent you've been wearing. Or maybe she told you that she researched every single scholarship one could get for NYU so Finn could at least try to go there. Or maybe she told you how she cried each and every time you sang one of those love songs even if it was to the Fidiot."

Her voice impassioned and she can't seem to stop even as Rachel stares at her, her mouth slightly open. Santana feels Brittany's hand in her and knows that she owes Quinn.

"She finally figured out that all this time that she's spent staring at you and drawing those ridiculous pictures of you in her book or on the walls, all of it was because she was so damn in love with you and she just could not handle it, at least not until she worked it all out in her head."

"When?" She looks askance at Rachel, wondering if she heard the word right, only to hear Rachel reiterate it, louder this time. "When did she work it out?"

"Over the summer probably." she sees Rachel's hand touch her lips again and wonders if Quinn had also been spurred to try something. "Did she kiss you?" She does not expect an answer as Rachel's aggrieved expression tells her everything she needs to know.

"I still need to practice." Rachel's segue indicating that she's probably not going to get anything else out of her. But she can't just leave it like that as she stares at Rachel, weighing her words in her mind, knowing that she'll do this one thing and then she'd be square with Quinn.

"Fine. But what you were singing just now, each word, the way you sounded, you've never sang like that ever. Ever "She draws the word out, "Not even after you slept with Finn. That has to mean something." She wants Rachel to react but she just clenches her jaw and looks away and Santana thinks that she should have just dragged the girl by her hair to Quinn's house, only she knows that she can't fix this for Quinn no matter how much she would like to.

#$#$#$#$

In her head, she's worked out that this whole year culminating with this day, has been a huge ploy to play a prank on her and any minute now, most of the cheerios and the whole hockey team are going to slushie her. Their quota for the year all carried out in one day.

Only there's no one else parked on the street and all she really can focus on is her lips are still tingling from the kiss she shared with Quinn, now five hours ago, as she glance at her watch yet again.

She's been sitting in her car, staring at Quinn parked in her driveway and wonders why the blonde hasn't gone into her house. But Rachel realizes that unlike last year, she does not know enough about Quinn's home life anymore.

Maybe her mom's still drinking or her dad's back home, making her life miserable and making her choose her cold car over her warm house. But like the prank scenario in her head, she has no proof either way and knows the only thing she can do is to talk to Quinn again.

This time though, she's armed with so much more context, all of Quinn's looks, that amazing kiss and Santana's little outburst and those three little words that she's tried to ignore even as they bubble up in her mind at the most inopportune times.

' _I love you' as she stalked into the auditorium, scanning the song pages by the piano before launching into that damn song. 'I love you' as Santana walked down the auditorium aisle towards her, the Latina's hand firmly entrenched in Brittany's as was obviously her heart. 'I love you', as she recalled opening her secret Santa gift and for a split second thinking of hazel eyes. 'I love you' as she read the different scholarships including one for Jewish converts that had been highlighted and underlined twice.' I love you." As she remembered those piercing hazel eyes always bright with unshed tears each time she sang in Glee. And finally, 'I love you' as she looked at Quinn during the Nationals group number as they sang "Take It All"._

And like Quinn's epiphany, Rachel Barbara Berry gets one of her own making her last week of high school similar to her first. She had walked into school with a plan, knowing exactly where she wanted to go and with whom.

But things had changed and so had she even if she didn't realize it until five minutes ago. She has a new plan now and someone who really wanted to be with her. So her last week of school kind of resembles her first week as marches up to Quinn's car, yanking open the door and pulling the surprised looking ex-cheerleader, ex-tormentor and the one person who loves her for everything she is, out.

"Rachel?" Quinn's voice is husky, rough from the tears but still recognizable to Rachel, but all Rachel hears is 'I love you.'

And the only answer she has is to stand on tip toe and kiss Quinn back, a kiss to seal the plan already forming in her head. A plan consisting of finding an apartment together midway between Julliard and NYU, of waking up to kisses in the morning and going to bed in each other's arms and of hearing 'I Love you' every day for the rest of her life.

She feels Quinn's arms wrap around her, their movements now finally coordinated as their lips meet before Quinn pulls back and Rachel finally hears the words again, "I love you."

**The End**

**  
**


End file.
